Prayer

Last week at Journey we began a four week conversation about prayer. Many of us have found ourselves in a place where we have given up on prayer, admitting that our experience of prayer has been too disappointing or too confusing to sustain any meaningful discipline. In response to a post on our blog I've written the following thoughts. (the original post, as well as my reply on the Journey blog can be found at http://www.journeydallas.com/blog/ ) Here are my thoughts:

Richard Foster writes,

"One of the most liberating experiences in my life came when I understood that prayer involved a learning process. I was set free to question, to experiment, even to fail, for I knew I was learning."

Nancy Roth writes,

"Even emptiness itself is prayer, if we can permit ourselves to understand emptiness as part of the rhythm of the breath of God. In fact, the experience of emptiness can be one of our most powerful teachers, for it is a symptom of our desire for God. Just as our lungs crave oxygen and our whole body yearns for it if deprived of air for even a few moments, the human being...desires to be filled with God."

I don't know that we'll ever really understand prayer. I don't know that we're supposed to, or that it's possible, even. In fact, I'm sure it's not- and that may be the only thing regarding prayer that I'm certain about.

But I think what I'm discovering this week is that our greatest teacher is the prayer experience itself. As Foster says, the questioning, the experimentation, even the failing- all are part of the learning process. Conversation about prayer, or reading yet another book on prayer have been helpful insofar as they have encouraged me to move into prayer; but, it's not until I take a dive into the act of praying that I actually begin to learn anything substantial.

And, yes, even the silence, the emptiness, the absence (call it what you will) that most of us experience serves as a teacher to us, reminding us of why we pray. I commented to Danielle this week that the empty space between us and God is necessary in order to keep our hearts baited toward him- like a carrot on a stick, causing us to live in a perpetual state of self-examination, continually re-posturing ourselves toward God.

I think one of the most difficult things for me this week has been finding the humility to pray. My pride doesn't want to allow me to own up to the fact that I'm not very good at something I've been trying to do for over 30 years. I feel like I should have mastered this thing about 26 years ago.

I'm also deeply hurt when I feel that God isn't paying attention...those crazy childhood neglect wounds creep their way back to the surface of my consciousness and push me to the floor. I'd like to believe I'm stronger than that.

So, yeah, we've got a lot to learn, and I think I agree with Foster and Roth that the experience of prayer is our greatest teacher. It takes humility. It feels risky. I actually experience fear regularly in prayer. It's crazy. But, I too, feel compelled to continue trying, to continue learning. As we continue to turn ourselves to God, may we continue to learn-as much as is possible- about prayer, about ourselves, about God.